 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Friday-Nighters |
|
Friday-Nighters |
| 20) MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES EATING OUT MONEY BATHROOMS ARGUMENTS FUTURE SUCCESS MARRIAGE DRESSING UP MORNING OFFSPRING THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by
a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain
types of people." Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life," "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body," Winston Bennett, "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president." "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.." "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?" "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." “If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur." "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because
we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You
may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances." 18) A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were: 4th Place To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter".
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE". My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax Super-size". But it got worse... Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?" 1st Place - And the winner is . . . This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat." 17) ****************************************** My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want
to have sex?". ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up
my fishing boat up to my 4x4 and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with
a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can
you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" I bumped into a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM
NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well
then, which one are you?" My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds.' I bought her a set of scales. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive ......... so, I took her to a petrol station. ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I
got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers.
You might have gotten disability, too.' My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,'
I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?' I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"" Nah,
she can order for herself." 16) A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest
girlfriend, He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have
a row boat wash up "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the
boat out of raw "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On
the south side of the The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not
much but I "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I
can't take another "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have
a still. How would Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he
swallows "Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports". |