When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

8) Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

7) A tribute to Tommy Cooper (the greatest comedian ever).

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
”Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths? He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'No, the steaks are too high.

6) There was once an inflatable boy and one morning he said goodbye to his inflatable mother and went on the inflatable bus to his inflatable school. He then took his inflatable books to his inflatable classroom for his lessons.

During the day he got fed up and was rude to his inflatable teacher, who then got quite angry and reprimanded the little inflatable boy. This was too much for our little inflatable friend. He walked up to the teacher and “popped” her, he walked out of the school and on the way out, he “popped” the school. While walking home, he was quite ashamed of what he’d done and so he “popped” himself.

That evening, the inflatable headmaster visited the inflatable little boy’s inflatable mother and told her what had happened. He finished by saying “…….. not only did he let down his teacher, but he let down the school and, worst of all, he let down himself”.

5) Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all in Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said, "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium." Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham and Cheese sandwiches again. If I get a Ham and Cheese sandwiches one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham and Cheese sandwich and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas, I never would have given it to him again!" Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the painfully skinny woman wearing oversized sunglasses and a trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."

4) Patient: Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home".

Doctor: That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome.

Patient: Is it common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

'3) George Bush was doing a goodwill tour which included visiting a local school. He went into a number of classrooms and, in one, he approached a young boy.

“What is your name?” he asked. “Stanley” came the reply.
“Well Stanley, you can ask me three questions”.
“Thank you sir” said Stanley. “First, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes. Second, where is Osama bin Laden and third, why did you invade Iraq”.

At this point, the dinner bell rang and the class emptied. They returned an hour later and George Bush continued by approaching a small boy and asked him his name. “Johnny” was the reply.

“Well Johnny, you can ask me five questions”.
“Thank you sir” said Johnny. “First, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes. Second, where is Osama bin Laden. Third, why did you invade Iraq. Fourth, why did the dinner bell go an hour early and finally, where is Stanley”.

2) Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...........but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

1) Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the corner of the lane. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No - five pounds!" Tony would fire back. This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what a fiver gets you!!!